I don't think I have ever just "copied and pasted" a post before, but a friend just sent me this, which has apparently been floating around in cyberspace for a few months. I thought it was too hilarious. I've changed a few words for the faint of heart, like me.
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.
The Scots raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the B*****ds" They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the frontline in the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability. It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose".
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes on all of their allies, just in case.
New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA!". Due to continuing defense cutbacks (the airforce being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "S**t, I hope Australia will come and rescue us". In the event of invasion, New Zealanders will be asked to gather together in a strategic defensive position called "Bondi".
Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be all right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain, "Crikey!', "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is canceled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.
For your information, Bondi Beach is a suburb of Sydney where more Kiwis reputedly live than in New Zealand. Somehow, it's not funny unless you have that tidbit.
Saturday, January 16, 2010
Friday, January 15, 2010
A Spark of Crazy
You're only given a little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it.
Robin Williams
Listen to this while you read.
One of my mottos is Everyone is crazy. Especially me.
I don't remember when I decided this, but it was a long time ago.
It was right up there with Never put Neosporin on your lips.
(The kind with the painkiller in it.
If you've ever done it, you'll know why.)
I was lying in bed this morning, not wanting to get up as usual, and feeling bad for my Mum. In our family, in case you haven't noticed, we have kind of beatified my Dad. Don't get me wrong, he was the best man I have ever known, but he did have the advantage of dying young. My Mum, on the other hand, has always been a little on the crazy side, and it hasn't gotten any better as she has aged. So I tend to dwell on her craziness, when, in fact, she taught me many good things. So, here is the list of things I learned from my Mum:
Stand by your man.
Take care of your man.
Be grateful.
Think of the needs of others.
Keep a tidy house.
Cook dinner every night.
Appreciate beauty in nature, like sunsets and trees.
Sing. All the time.
Eat lots of chocolate.
Be generous with your time, talents, and possessions.
Shop for bargains.
Always check your store receipts.
Appreciate quality, whether it's in a person or a fabric.
Buy stuff for your grandkids.
Adore your grandkids.
If in doubt, bake a cake.
And I thought to myself, that's a pretty good list for a crazy person!
Robin Williams
Listen to this while you read.
One of my mottos is Everyone is crazy. Especially me.
I don't remember when I decided this, but it was a long time ago.
It was right up there with Never put Neosporin on your lips.
(The kind with the painkiller in it.
If you've ever done it, you'll know why.)
I was lying in bed this morning, not wanting to get up as usual, and feeling bad for my Mum. In our family, in case you haven't noticed, we have kind of beatified my Dad. Don't get me wrong, he was the best man I have ever known, but he did have the advantage of dying young. My Mum, on the other hand, has always been a little on the crazy side, and it hasn't gotten any better as she has aged. So I tend to dwell on her craziness, when, in fact, she taught me many good things. So, here is the list of things I learned from my Mum:
Stand by your man.
Take care of your man.
Be grateful.
Think of the needs of others.
Keep a tidy house.
Cook dinner every night.
Appreciate beauty in nature, like sunsets and trees.
Sing. All the time.
Eat lots of chocolate.
Be generous with your time, talents, and possessions.
Shop for bargains.
Always check your store receipts.
Appreciate quality, whether it's in a person or a fabric.
Buy stuff for your grandkids.
Adore your grandkids.
If in doubt, bake a cake.
And I thought to myself, that's a pretty good list for a crazy person!
Thursday, January 14, 2010
The wisdom of a father, added upon
My Dad often reduced life to a few pithy sayings.
I was thinking about some of them this morning.
If millions believe a lie, does it make it truth?
A bad workman blames his tools.
Measure twice, cut once.
Never show a fool a half-finished job.
He also taught me, by example more than words, principles which have guided my life:
Pay off debt early.
Live within your means.
Be kind to animals.
Make your garden beautiful AND productive.
Follow your dreams.
Be happy.
Be good and do good.
Work hard.
Play hard.
Show your beliefs in the way you live your life.
Be honest.
A bunch of freshly picked flowers from the garden is worth more than any florist's bouquet.
Seek knowledge.
Search for adventures.
Take care of people in need.
Gather food storage.
Compost is good.
Own a gun for protection.
Do your best.
Look on the bright side.
If you play the piano, you'll always be popular.
Have fun, no matter what.
My Dad died young, but I think he died without regret, except for perhaps having to leave Mum alone for so long. He was not a complicated man and he enjoyed simple pleasures. I wish my kids and Jeff could have known him.
I hope that in knowing me they have known a small part of him.
I was thinking about some of them this morning.
If millions believe a lie, does it make it truth?
A bad workman blames his tools.
Measure twice, cut once.
Never show a fool a half-finished job.
He also taught me, by example more than words, principles which have guided my life:
Pay off debt early.
Live within your means.
Be kind to animals.
Make your garden beautiful AND productive.
Follow your dreams.
Be happy.
Be good and do good.
Work hard.
Play hard.
Show your beliefs in the way you live your life.
Be honest.
A bunch of freshly picked flowers from the garden is worth more than any florist's bouquet.
Seek knowledge.
Search for adventures.
Take care of people in need.
Gather food storage.
Compost is good.
Own a gun for protection.
Do your best.
Look on the bright side.
If you play the piano, you'll always be popular.
Have fun, no matter what.
My Dad died young, but I think he died without regret, except for perhaps having to leave Mum alone for so long. He was not a complicated man and he enjoyed simple pleasures. I wish my kids and Jeff could have known him.
I hope that in knowing me they have known a small part of him.
Monday, January 11, 2010
Mr. Entomology
Twenty eight years ago, with a little help from Jeff and a good midwife, I gave birth.
To this boy.
To this boy.
He's a little bit (!) nerdy and weird, but we love him to pieces.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY JON!
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Readiness and Rabblerousers
Jeff is our town's co-ordinator for ResistNet, one of the sponsoring groups for the September 12th rally in Washington DC. We had our first meeting of the minds last night in our living room. I decided to make cookies. Oatmeal chocolate chip sounded mildly healthy.
When I pulled my chocolate chip jar out of the pantry, it occurred to me how ridiculous my food storage priorities have become.
When I pulled my chocolate chip jar out of the pantry, it occurred to me how ridiculous my food storage priorities have become.
To give you an idea of the scale of that great big jar:
Before everyone went home, I took a picture, a la neo-neocon. Just to make sure that the nameless remain so.
Saturday, January 9, 2010
Friday, January 8, 2010
"The time has come," the walrus said...
..."to speak of many things;
of ships and shoes and sealing wax, of cabbages and kings."
And today, that behemoth of controversy, global warming.
Now, you all know that I love this earth and I try to live as lightly upon its beautiful surface as I can. I think it behooves all of us to produce as little waste as we can and to live efficiently. But I have to say, and I hope none of my lovely readers will be offended, that this global warming crap is making me grumpy.
Jeff is a statistician. He has spent many hours poring over his computer, entering climate data into charts. He understands, as does any statistician worth his scatter plot, that numbers can be skewed in infinite ways to "prove" the story you choose to tell. Growing numbers of scientists are speaking out on the subject of climate change, not denying that it exists but showing scientifically that is not new and corresponds more to solar events than to anything man-made. Not that I want to downplay the effects of our behavior on the larger picture.
But....
I have a couple of websites that I want you to look at.
Icecap.us and CO2Science are two very sensible (no hysteria) and informative sites that are chock full of fascinating material.
Icecap has some great satellite photos of the UK, which is currently in the grip of an unprecedented cold snap. The whole country is white. It also has an FAQ and Myths' page which is well worth the read. The videos above are representative of those found on CO2.
I personally will be spending too much time on these websites in the next few days.
Meanwhile, I will still be recycling and conserving as if my life depended on it.
I suggest you do both of the same.
of ships and shoes and sealing wax, of cabbages and kings."
And today, that behemoth of controversy, global warming.
Now, you all know that I love this earth and I try to live as lightly upon its beautiful surface as I can. I think it behooves all of us to produce as little waste as we can and to live efficiently. But I have to say, and I hope none of my lovely readers will be offended, that this global warming crap is making me grumpy.
Jeff is a statistician. He has spent many hours poring over his computer, entering climate data into charts. He understands, as does any statistician worth his scatter plot, that numbers can be skewed in infinite ways to "prove" the story you choose to tell. Growing numbers of scientists are speaking out on the subject of climate change, not denying that it exists but showing scientifically that is not new and corresponds more to solar events than to anything man-made. Not that I want to downplay the effects of our behavior on the larger picture.
But....
I have a couple of websites that I want you to look at.
Icecap.us and CO2Science are two very sensible (no hysteria) and informative sites that are chock full of fascinating material.
Icecap has some great satellite photos of the UK, which is currently in the grip of an unprecedented cold snap. The whole country is white. It also has an FAQ and Myths' page which is well worth the read. The videos above are representative of those found on CO2.
I personally will be spending too much time on these websites in the next few days.
Meanwhile, I will still be recycling and conserving as if my life depended on it.
I suggest you do both of the same.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)