Thirty-two years wiser

I read some great advice in Amy Dickenson's column in the newspaper today. A six-year study at Cornell university gathered advice on life from more than 1,200 Americans who were mostly over age 70. These specific tidbits are about marriage.

1. Marry someone who is a lot like you: Similarity in core values in particular is the key to a happy marriage. And forget about changing someone after marriage: the elders say it just doesn't work.

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2. Friendship is as important as romantic love: Heart-thumping passion has to undergo a metamorphosis in lifelong relationships. Marry someone for whom you feel deep friendship as well as love.  

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3. Don't keep score: Don't take the attitude that marriage must always be a 50-50 proposition; you can't get out of it exactly what you put into it. The key to success is having both partners try to give more than they get out of the relationship.

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4. Talk to each other: Marriage to the strong, silent type can be deadly to a relationship. Long-term married partners are talkers (at least to each other, and about things that count).

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5. Don't just commit to your partner, commit to marriage itself: Make a commitment to the institution of marriage and take it seriously. Seeing that marriage is bigger than the immediate needs of each partner helps people work together to overcome the inevitable rough patches.

When I was a highly impressionable teenager and madly in love in the all-consuming passion of the young and the hormonally-driven, I had a vision of marriage. I dreamed of cozy evenings, lying on the couch in front of the fire, waiting for my hard-working man to come home. I suppose I though that we would cuddle all evening, basking in our love. Kinda makes me want to fall on the floor, laughing, now that I think about it.

When Jeff and I got married, we were virtually strangers. I hate to admit it, because it goes against the grain of everything that I believe to be sensible, but it's true. My kids have thrown the fact back at me on more than one occasion. Our first year of marriage was a journey of discovery. It was full of the woes of pregnancy, the trials of poverty, and the joy of having each other. We learned some things about each other that weren't so great. But every evening, my heart was glad for him to walk through the door of our little apartment in Orange County.

Since then, we have had three decades of more discoveries, many changes, more trials, and more joys. To be honest, there were times when one or the other of us felt like packing it in. As in: leaving. But we didn't. We were committed to more than each other. We were committed to the idea of marriage and to the community that we have created with our marriage. And that kept us going when we sometimes didn't like each other very much.

Does that admission shock you?
Probably not if you've known me at all!   


I think it is important to be honest about this, because most people have similar struggles. I want to stand up and be a witness that marriage is work and that it can be successful and worth the fight if two people are committed to it.
Sometimes, when I look at my children and the way they struggle to create a partnership with their spouses, I worry for them. Then I remember our own struggles and I know that they must pave their own way to wedded bliss. And I try to be patient for them and hope that they will continue to strive for their own version of peace.

And then I think what a strange word struggle is. Don't you agree?

This Valentine's Day was pretty awesome at our house. You could have knocked me down with a feather, but Jeff actually read my last post. We ate in, stuffed pasta shells with a bottle of sparkling apple cider. Then, because he wanted to get out of the house (even though I was feeling sluggish and wanted to stay home), we went to the mall. We shared a piece of Wild Blueberry White Chocolate cheesecake from the Cheesecake Factory (it was way too sweet and we regretted it) and scored a free Donald Trump shirt for Jeff from Macy's. Story to follow later, because it was a classic. And we talked about how, after all this time, we are happy to be together.

And maybe, one of these days, we'll be answering those questions about life and marriage and feeling wiser than Solomon.